


Counting Stars

by AnnaSayre



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angel Blade, Canon Compliant, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Established Relationship, Human Castiel, M/M, Married Castiel/Dean Winchester, Prompt Fill, Stargazing, Tumblr Prompt, Universe Alteration
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-01
Updated: 2015-02-01
Packaged: 2018-03-09 23:15:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3267947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnaSayre/pseuds/AnnaSayre
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I'm sorry." He was apologizing for so many different things. Cas knew them all. </p><p>"I know."</p><p>Silence fell again. He stared into Cas's eyes, brighter than any of the stars above them, and found constellations reflected in the deep blue that stared back at him. He finally felt like he could breathe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Counting Stars

**Author's Note:**

> Title comes from the song of the same name by Sugarcult. I encourage you to give it a listen.

When Dean had first started driving, he hadn't really had a destination in mind. He just wanted to drive. To get away from everything. To clear his head as much as he could, at least for a few hours. He hadn't planned on leaving Washington, and he certainly hadn't planned on going all the way to Nevada but before he knew it, the moon had replaced the sun and stars had replaced the clouds. Dirt and sand took the place of pavement beneath his tires and he didn't even care that his car would be covered in crap when he stopped.

He tore through the desert, heard hidden rocks smack against the exterior of the car, and was just thankful it was late and dark and that the area he ended up in was abandoned. He screeched to a stop, wincing at the sound the tires and brakes made. He sat back in his seat, breathing heavily. He ignored, again, the sound coming from his phone. He didn't want to talk to Sam.

He unbuckled his seat belt, grabbed the six pack from behind his seat, ran his fingers over his face and through his hair, tried to remember how to breathe. He'd started driving because he needed to think, but now that was the very last thing he wanted to do. His mind was dangerous and dark and reflected everything he didn't want to think. Didn't want to consider. Didn't want to be true. Because Cas... Cas couldn't be gone. He couldn't. There was no way.

And yet, Dean had held Cas's face in his hands, had watched helplessly as blue faded to grey, faded to nothing. He had pressed useless lips against Cas's pale, cooling skin, had felt his last breath ghost over his jaw. Dean had felt his body, struggling to stay stiff, go slack against his chest. He knew. God, he knew it was true. But he didn't want it to be.

He took a long, anxious drag of the beer in his hand and tried to shake the images from his head. Blood - Cas's and his own - covered his hands, his shirt, the knees of his jeans. Charlie and Sam forcing him away from Cas after he'd refused to move for hours. Dean screaming at Sam, refusing to let the body be burned. _Not yet, not yet. There's still a chance, Sammy. We have to give him a chance. We owe him a chance._

Dean pushed the heels of his hands into his eyelids and pressed way too hard, trying to get the images to go away. Trying to stop the stinging that burned threateningly behind his eyes. He tried to breathe.

He yanked open the Impala's door and stood unsteadily. He threw the bottle so hard he felt a pull in his shoulder. He didn't care. The distant sound it made as it shattered against the sand was just the slightest bit calming.

He pulled out the rest of the beer, kicked the driver's door closed. Kicked the tire closest to him. He threw another bottle, didn't even bother to drink its contents first, and listened again as it broke in the darkness. He only had six bottles, and soon they were gone. His phone rang again in his pocket and he grabbed it, chucking it at the car. He threw it hard enough that it broke the back window. He didn't care. Didn't care. Didn't care.

He had nothing more to throw, so he fell against the car amongst the alcohol and the glass and the sand.

He hadn't realized he was screaming until he was suddenly listening to nothing but his heavy breathing as it fell against his knees. His throat hurt. His eyes burned. He didn't care.

He dropped his head onto his knees and pulled at his hair helplessly, shaking his head continuously. _No no no no no. Please, God, no. Cas, please. Please._

"Dean."

The voice was too familiar, too close, too soft, too sad to be anything but real. Dean didn't open his eyes. _Cas, please. You need to come back. I need you to come back, please..._

"Dean," He looked up, scratched the tears from his eyes, blinked. He blinked again and again, but the image in front of him didn't change, didn't move except to walk closer to him. Dean scrambled to his feet, kicking up sand that made him cough.

He choked on his own voice as he exhaled, " _Cas?_ " He put a steadying hand on the hood of the Impala, tried to still his spinning head. The man in front of him smiled just slightly and Dean shook his head again, barely breathing.

"Hi."

"Are you...?" He couldn't form the words. Couldn't ask the question. But Cas knew, anyway. Cas always knew. 

He shook his head. No. Not this time. This time was definitely for good. Dean took a shaky step forward, brought his hand slowly to Cas's cheek. Testing. His fingers slid against cool air instead of skin. He expected it, but the confirmation only made him feel worse. Cas was here, standing right in front of him, and for Dean not to be able to even touch him... 

He dropped his hand helplessly and knew Cas's look of desperate saddness mirrored his own. 

"What are you doing, Dean?" Castiel asked. His voice was laced with disappointment. He motioned to the land around them, to the broken glass at their feet. "This... This is not what you promised me." 

"Cas, I -" Dean dropped his eyes to his boots, cleared his throat, took a breath. He looked into Cas's eyes. So blue. So incredibly blue. For a second, Dean forgot how to breathe again. "I don't know what to do." He admitted. His voice sounded just as lost, just as broken as he felt. The greif etched into Cas's face deepened at his words. 

"I know... I know we've always said that... That if this happened, we'd move on. But Cas. I don't know -" Dean took a breath, forcing away more tears. "I can't."

" _Dean,_ " Castiel was angry, and Dean knew what he was going to say next. He was going to reprimand him. Scold him for being so stupid, so  _human._ Dean wasn't going to let him.

"No, Cas." His voice was suddenly strong, clear. "No. I'm not going to let you do that. I'm not going to let you make me feel like shit for missing you. For hating the fact that you're - Look. I kept my promise. I didn't make any deals. I didn't even think of looking at the lore. But asking me not to grieve? Asking me to just move on like the best part of my life never even happened? Asking me to forget you? That's too much. That's way too much. I can't - I can't do that. I won't."

"You deserve more than anyone to have a good life Dean. You can't do that by hanging on to something that doesn't exist." 

"I had a good life." Dean insisted, shifting so he was sitting on the hood of his car instead of just leaning on it. Cas stepped closer. "I had a better life than I ever deserved, because I had you." He looked at his hands; his voice was quiet when he spoke next. "I don't want a life without you in it, Cas." 

Cas sat next to him, close enough that they would have been touching, if they could have. "I know." He sounded tired.

For the first time, Dean registered the cold air biting at his skin. "This wasnt supposed to happen." 

"I know."

He leaned back, shifting so his back was against the windshield, his head supported by the roof of the car and his weight supported in his feet as he planted them firmly against the hood. Again, Cas copied his movements. Dean allowed his gaze to drift upwards. 

He'd forgotten how late it was - the sky was so clear, the moon and stars shone so bright, that it felt more like noon than it did three a.m. 

"What's it like?" He broke the silence between them after what must have been at least ten minutes. 

"It's... Different. Calmer. Almost peaceful. Gabriel came to visit once." 

"That bastard's still kicking?" 

Castiel smirked slightly, but didn't say any more. They lapsed into silence again. There was so much Dean wanted to say. So much he hadn't told Cas yet. 

The hunt was supposed to be easy - that was the only reason Dean had agreed to do it. It was supposed to be cut and dry. A simple training exercise for a hunter-in-training named Celia. Sam and Cas both had to convince him to help. Three vamps. Nothing too serious, and way easier than hunts they'd been on in the past. "We'll be in and out in an hour," Cas had promised. And Dean had believed him. Dean had agreed to go. 

 "It wasn't your fault." Cas whispered, turning to look Dean in the eye. No matter what, he could always read Dean like no one else could.

"Sure as hell feels like it."

"Dean."

"I could have said no. I could have refused to let you go -"

"I'm not a child." 

"I shoulda known there was something off about Celia as soon as she called. I should have known as soon as we pulled up that something was wrong. I should have called Sam sooner. I should have-" 

"Stop. There is nothing you could have done. What happened... It happened. It's over and it's done and -" 

Dean sat up, "You fucking died, Cas! You're dead! I watched you, I  _felt you_ take your last breath. I held you and I did nothing. You're not coming back this time. Do not sit here and tell me it was destiny or fate or  _whatever._ Do not tell me that I have to let go and move on and get over it. And don't tell me it's not my fault."

He felt the air around him move as Cas tried to place a steadying hand on his arm without thinking, forgetting that they couldn't touch. He watched Cas's face fall and immediately calmed, lying back down and facing him. 

"I'm sorry." He was apologizing for so many different things. Cas knew them all. 

"I know."

Silence fell again. He stared into Cas's eyes, brighter than any of the stars above them, and found constellations reflected in the deep blue that stared back at him. He finally felt like he could breathe. 

Dean didn't know what they were doing. He knew that he was laying on the hood of his car in the middle of a desert in Nevada. But he didn't know what was going to happen next. Cas couldn't stay here; they both knew that. No matter how careful they were, vengefulness was inevitable. Dean couldn't stand the thought of it. 

"How are you here?" Cas smiled slightly and motioned to Dean's hand, lying helplessly at his side. Dean raised it to his face, the dark metal around his finger glinted sharply against the reflection of the sky and stars. 

  _Of course._

When Cas had fallen for good, the only part of his grace that still continued to exist was that which had been laced within his angel blade at the beginning of time. Cas had wanted to destroy the blade - he looked at it and saw the blood of brothers and sisters whose last breaths were taken by him. He saw death and destruction. 

But when Dean looked at it, he saw the weapon that helped pull him from the darkest pits of hell; he looked at it and saw the only physical thing left of the angel he fell in love with so many years ago. 

It had taken some time to convince Cas, and even longer pouring through dusty books, but eventually they found how to melt the metal and they did just that, molding it into the ring Dean now wore. He hadnt taken it off once in five years. 

And now he'd have to burn it again. It felt like some kind of sick, twisted joke, that he shouldn't be allowed to keep it. 

And in the middle of the desert, under stars that seemed brighter than the sun, feeling calmer that he had in a week and a half, nothing actually felt real anyway. Until he instinctively reached for Cas's hand, and his fingers brushed through cold air instead.

He sighed, coming back to himself, back to reality. "You can't stay." It was more of a reminder to himself than Cas, but Cas nodded anyway. 

"I know," he tucked a hand behind his head, turned to his side. "I never would have come if it weren't for you." Dean raised his eyebrows, and Cas continued. "There is a version of you in my heaven. Of course, it is not you and won't be you until you pass, but it's close enough that being away from you is... Bareable. I will wait for the day you join me again, but I don't wish for that to be anytime soon. But this..." Cas stopped, searching for words.

They were silent as the light around them turned to grey. The stars disappeared one by one, like birthday candles being blown out of the sky. 

Dean stood, moving slowly. He rummaged through the glove compartment until he found a spare lighter. There was a photo of him and Cas in there, too. He refused to look at it. Cas was standing when he turned around. Dean moved and stood inches away from him so that if they'd been touching, their foreheads would have been pressed together. 

He worked the ring from his finger slowly, twisiting it until it fell into his palm. He held it between his thumb and index finger. 

"I thought I would be alright. Coming back here. Because when I leave, I'll be going back to another you, but... It's not the same. And leaving you... Well, the last time I did it, it's not like I had a choice, did I? But now I do and I didn't think it would be so hard and now that I'm here..."

"Shhh." Dean wanted to take Cas into his arms, hold him, take away his fears and anxieties with a hand through his hair and lips to his throat, and he felt cheated that he couldn't. That when this ended, he would have only the ghosts of touches and whispers to remember. It wasn't fair. But then, nothing in Dean Winchester's life ever was. 

He couldn't hold Cas's body, so he held his gaze instead, trying to say everything his mouth couldn't.

There were times when Cas would accidentally say something in Enochian, and Dean would ask him what he'd meant. Often, Cas was able to give Dean an exact translation, but there were occasions where he would think for long moments before coming to the conclusion that no string of human words could ever come close to giving its exact meaning. 

That's how Dean felt right now. He felt like no matter what he said, no matter how many words he used, no matter how long he spoke, nothing he said could ever mean what he wanted it to. Nothing could accurately convey what he felt. 

He felt like he was losing Cas all over again. And this time, he couldn't even hold him as he faded away. 

 He held the flame beneath the ring, watched and waited for it to take. He remembered how burning the blade has taken hours, and hoped that they would get that now - hours, instead of minutes. When the sting of the fire became too much, he dropped the ring onto the sand. It continued to burn. 

Words were something that had never come easily to Dean - not like they did for Sam and Cas - and he tried to think of something to say.  _Something_ that said every single thought he had. Something to fill this unbearable silence. 

Only three measly, helpless little words could even come close. Dean choked on them as they left his mouth, knowing all too well it would be the last time they would ever mean so much. 

"I love you." 

He pressed his lips to Cas's mouth, desperately wanting just one split second of contact. Just a little bit. Just for a second. Just a second. For only a moment. He watched as Cas started fading, forced himself to keep his eyes open. 

Cas's voice was stronger, clearer than Dean's had been. It was filled with certainty. Finality. "I love you, too." 

And then Cas was gone. Too soon. Too quickly. Too quietly. And Dean fell to the sand like he had hours before with a sob tearing at the insides of his throat. He held his head in his hands as he watched the ring burn in front of him, the ghost of the nonexistent kiss burned against his mouth.

And the sun, promising the very first of many long days without Cas, burned the sky behind him. 

 


End file.
